How To Not Be "THAT" Traveller

(Everyone Wants To Poke In The Eye)

Before I start this- I PROMISE  I'm not a grumpy old witch who never sees the funny side of anything. Pinkie swear and cross my heart hope to die etc etc. Ok, lets get cracking on this list.

My husband and I have just come back from a big trip to Europe, which included 6 amazing stops- Bali - Bangkok - Dubai - Paris - Rome - Dubai. It was a real eye opener for us- we have flown long haul many times, but have never witnessed so many irritating travellers than during our last trip. It was like there was a convention of them at every stop! Yes I know, I know.....they are such first world problems I have. I don't want to sound ungrateful for the experience.....(but somehow I still cant stop myself writing this).....

Firstly I'm sure 95% of people these days would have been on an International flight (would that be too high? Maybe 90%?). Either way, SURELY these travellers are aware they cant take a 1.5 litre bottles of Evian through security. This has been in place since 2001 people!!! Or what about the half litre tub of suncream in their carry on. Or the 20 other containers full of various liquids and potions they MUST have on board in case of some emergency that involves wearing sunscreen on a plane? I bet these are also the people that forget a simple pen. They remember to pack medication when they have a 0.00000000013% chance of catching dengue fever-- but god forbid they bring something SO USEFUL such as a pen.

Secondly, when airport staff ask "have you got a belt on or any coins in your pocket Sir?" I'm sure the METAL DETECTOR YOU ARE ABOUT TO WALK THROUGH will pick it up if you are telling a little white lie - did you think your coins were chocolate and your buckle was made of plastic? What about the watch you are wearing or the chunky gold jewellery you have on every finger like you are Snoop Dog? (Does he wear rings?...A quick google was inconclusive). Take it off and put it through the X-ray people- it ain't that hard!

Even worse are those people that get to the front of the immigration line (most of the time they are the people JUST in front of you) and then all of a sudden realise the paperwork they were given was not just a duty free discount voucher- "OHHHH WE HAVE TO FILL IT OUT DO WEEEEE?" No lady, immigration would be very happy with your blank form when departing the country. Seriously?

Ok, now that's out of the way- lets get to the plane. Actually, back it up- lets get to the boarding of the plane. Serial pushers. The plane isn't going to leave without you (...oh hold on, maybe it could? Whatever. I was here first, stop pushing me with your clearly oversized fake louis vuitton).  Also, when they call for rows 20-34 to board the plane, they will check your boarding pass (you know.....the little piece of paper WITH YOUR ROW NUMBER ON IT). Don't act like you thought they were boarding every row!

Now to the plane, if you've made it that far. It goes without saying serial recliners are the worst kind - just marginally worse than serial farters and serial knees-in-the-back-of-chair-like-Im-at-a-dance-party kind of traveller. Or the people that unbuckle and stand up as SOON as the plane hits the tarmac and is still moving! I mean- what are they like in everyday life? Do they push the doors of the bus open, before its come to a complete stop? Are they the ones out the door of work at 5.20pm EVERY day? Yep, I know the kind well. The grossest thing we saw this trip was a man next to Jase blowing his nose in the warm face cloth they kindly hand out. Yes, that did deserve the bold lettering. A full on head-cold-blow, then proceeded to pick out anything that may have been missed. I honestly wanted to slip the air steward a note to discard of this cloth (out of the plane door?) so it never gets washed and given back to me on any future flights. How do people think this is acceptable?

Lastly, bathroom etiquette. If by chance you fall victim to turbulence while in the toilet and can't "aim" well, the least you could do is clean it up. Nuff said on that one I think.

There are many more we were lucky enough NOT to encounter this trip (but have on past occasions). The over the top perfume wearer, the person who takes high doses of sleeping pills and goes into a sleep coma for 8 hours, all the while dribbling with mouth wide open snoring in your ear. Then there is the worst experience to date- the person who projectile vomits IN THE BACK OF YOUR CHAIR.  (Yes, a Qantas flight 2 years ago a lady was sick after eating her breakfast, 2 hours before touching down in LA). It went everywhere (I think she tried to stand up?) and the whole time all I could think of was if any landed in my hair. I know that probably makes me the worst person in the world- not to think of the welfare of the sick lady- but the thought of it now STILL makes my stomach turn. Travelling ain't for the faint hearted I tell you- it's like a war zone out there!

Lastly worth noting- our infamous Jetstar flight- a year ago from Sydney to Denpasar. My husband and I were seated a few rows away from a young woman that I had noticed earlier at the airport. She boarded the plane single, and left as a taken woman. A mystery man wandered up from the back of the plane mid-flight. The public display of affection was GOB SMACKING. The steward even came over to me- obviously noticing my amazement- leaned in and whispered "the lady across the way has been recording them on her phone and will upload it to youtube by tomorrow- including the flight number for search purposes". He said it so seriously  that I actually DID google the flight number on youtube for several weeks after, to no avail. Maybe it was a very elaborate way to disguise an affair? To this day I'm perplexed- the passion they were displaying was seriously shocking (translation: they were dry humping on a packed plane and didn't even stop for a cheese board or glass of sav blanc). I guess it did make the time pass a lot quicker- it was like watching "The Notebook"- minus Ryan Gosling, and definitely minus the romance. Ok, scrap that- maybe it was just like watching "Snakes on a Plane"- with a different kind of snake!

I guess that sums up my list of grievances- well, for the moment anyway (until someone with the Ebola virus is seated next to me). If you have anything to add, please let me know!

HAPPY TRAVELS! x